Separation Anxiety

Acknowledging the things and people you lose when you move forward with God.

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When a person turns away from their old ways and repents, Luke 15:10 describes the reaction in Heaven. "There is joy in the presences of God's angels." The Message version says there is a "party" thrown over just one soul who returns to Christ.

A little before this passage, Luke 15 starts off with a familiar parable; the shepherd who leaves the 99 for the one. It's a joyous occasion, and shows the heart of God. A God who would pursue "the one." As believers, we read this story and are often told how grateful we should be; as each one of us is individually a sole that God intentionally purposed for reclamation. But... have you ever read this story and wondered how the sheep felt?

Think about it... If you are the one sheep, and you spent your whole life being herded - moved around in the crowd from point A to point B. Then, finally, you find yourself away from them. Away from your shepherd... Don't you finally feel.... free?

You're running at your own speed. Taking time to eat that patch of grass you always wondered about. No one is in your bubble. You can pee without being rushed to another location. (I'm just painting the picture here). You finally have all you thought you ever wanted, then... Here comes this guy. The one with the stick. After you, when you finally thought you were living your best life, he catches you. He lifts your over his shoulders, and brings you back.

He's happy. But... are you?

This feeling is real. Beyond the in-the-moment decision to turn our lives over to God and accept Christ as our living-Savior, the honeymoon phase as a Christian does not last long. Am I the only person who chose to transform my life and minutes later got a text from temptation? Up late at night, knowing I should read my Bible or watch a sermon, and end up watching something that is anything but being about God? Depression in the Church is real.

It's not something "made up" and it's definitely not a sign of weakness in your spirit.

"If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature." (2nd Corinthians 5:17) But let's be real, the second half of that scripture is often promised out of context. "Old things" don't just "pass away." While we are now tapped into a Source who will protect and cover us, those things pop up more than we would like to admit. We may chose God, but it does not come without the stress of "how." How do we let go of the life we had, while we work for the one we want?

And how do we genuinely become "happy" with a life that only seems to come with the guarantee of a promise we can't truly, permanently enjoy - until after death?

There are three things we all struggle with losing and re-identifying after we repent.

1. Friends and Family

2. Places of Comfort

3. Yourself

Ever been called, "fake" after you rededicate your life to Christ? I hate to break it to you, even if it wasn't to your face - it was probably said. Those who came up with you or have known you, the old you, for a while will have a hard time accepting the "new you." I mean, seriously... Who is this person? The hard part is, you don't even know. All we know is, "I love Jesus." "The life I was living is not the life I want to continue." "New me. Accept me." And often the part we don't know how to articulate is, "I don't know what I'm doing. Please help me to keep this promise to God. I'm scared I'll mess it up." But that last part isn't what we say, because .... well, if these people who claim to love me are my "friends" why would they do anything but help me be a new, and better me? Here's the pill that is hard to swallow.

You made this commitment to change. Not them.

Which makes the need to distance almost inevitable - but not easy. There's a weird, and often not discussed, juxtaposition in being "unevenly yoked" (2nd Corinthians 6:14) and "love thy neighbor" (Matthew 22:39). It's hard to "love" people who are not contributing to who you are (trying to be) in Christ without getting entangled in who you used to be before Him. As much as Christians do love to talk about loving people "from a distance," this type of love, when you are most vulnerable is difficult and heartbreaking. It's a break-up from a toxic relationship, but one that was consistent and there when you needed it.

Not only do we have to step away from our "loved" ones (forgive me for the air quotes, but you get why it was necessary). We have to also guard ourselves from places that were not conducive to our spiritual growth as well. It's easy to attribute some of these places. The bar. The club. Anywhere you could end up at a "kick back." (For those of you who are not familiar, a "kick back" is an impromptu spot where you start off hanging out with friends - say a living room or a basement - that turns into a whole party out of no where or without prior preparation... you're welcome). But it's more than that. It might be your job's break room - where you would sit and talk about how much you hate your boss, or gossip about another coworker. It could also be your best friends house, where he very attractive brother walks around without a shirt on half the time. And, friends, I hate to drop it on you like this... A place you may find yourself needing to step back from could be your church.

Yup... I said it... It could be a church. Not "the Church" but your prior denomination and its brick and mortar gathering space could no longer align with where God is taking you.

Disclaimer: This is not giving instructions to "leave the Church." There might be a time to ask God if where you are (where you have been meeting) is where He can actually use you, and where you should be placed. You might be lead to become a "bedside Baptist," using your influence to minister to your friends in your home or among your social media outlets. "Where two are gathered" may not necessarily be where you are used to going, to find Jesus. Remember, the Church is in each of us and wherever we gather together, God is among us.

When we make the commitment to Christ and ask Him to help us transform, we are asking to me removed from what we knew and where we were comfortable. Which means you will, in the name of Jesus, be open to being more sensitive to change - at the heart of who you are.

The one things you will be challenged to walk away from is yourself.

You.

The person you've known your entire life. Your first best friend, will now become your mortal enemy. Literally.... The one person who can get in the way of your eternity is you.

Remove the other people, the buildings, the distractions. If you are not focused on the "new you" the old you will bud it's head as a weed in a garden you surrendered to God to till.

Like the sheep who strayed from the 99, you sought freedom. You held a compass where "North" was whatever direction you wanted it to be. You will begin a lifelong battle against an addiction, to you.

Interesting Fact: 40%-60% of those who went to rehab for substance abuse relapse after successfully completing the program. These are people who were off drugs/alcohol, and were removed from all outside interference. Once placed back into their natural environment, when the guardrails of life were removed, slipped back into their destructive habits. This is just talking about individuals who struggled against drugs...

Imaging being a rehabilitating Christian. Giving up everything you knew and loved at once.

The friends. The lifestyle. The drugs. The sex. The porn. The gossip. The attention.

All the thing you allowed to be our identity, to be "a new creature." Not knowing what the heck that even means. Who wouldn't have anxiety? Starting over, without an immediate sense of security or support? Even in the best churches, small groups are only as effective as you allow them to be. When you are scared and nervous, who do you want to run to? The arms of a stranger or the habits of your past? What feels safer? The friend who encourages you to go out half-naked and party or the person who feels like they are judging you - meaning to be an accountability partner for you for the well-being of your soul?

It's hard. Where do you run, when you are used to running?

The angels in Heaven are "rejoicing." Yeah. That's cool... But you- you - are scared.

And your only source of support is a God no one can see, and everyone can negate.

You're alone...

But friends... There was someone in this very position in the Bible who also had separation anxiety. Look no further than a few passages under our first text - starting in Luke 15:11.

There was a man who asked for all of his inheritance up front, and left the home of his father. He kicked it. Lived his best life. Then realized he wasted all of his money, and when a famine came, his friends were gone. He found himself eating out of a trough. He traded the security of home, the accountability of a brother and the love and boundaries of a father, to end up with nothing. He missed home, and he returned. "The Prodigal Son."

To lose yourself to yourself may seem like a wash. Me for me, right? You're "living."

But what do you really have at the end of it? Philippians 1:21 says, "living means living in Christ and to die is even better." It continues to say, "to live is to be more fruitful in Christ." Meaning, even with all we feel we are losing, we are gaining a purpose and a guide.

It hurts. It's complicated. But it is not for nothing.

If you struggle with finding your worth as a Christian, and you feel torn to go back to being who you were, I can empathize with this. I battle everyday. Often multiple times a day.

If you need someone to talk to, it is okay to seek additional guidance (therapy, a close friend, whatever is good for you and your soul), it's okay.

If you feel alone, please know you are not.