Right Faith. Wrong Person.

If I can be honest with y'all (per usual, I guess - lol), my dating life has been riddled with heartbreak. This post is more of a reflective journal entry, with biblical aspects for healing.

I've been divorced for almost ten years. My ex-husband was the first boyfriend I ever had. We met my freshman year of college.

I'll spare you the details of the entire story.

Just know there is a reason he is my ex-husband. 😂

Recently, I met (well, reconnected) with a gentleman who I've known of for about fifteen years. Y'all, I thought I found my prince charming.

He was charasmatic. Very, very handsome. Emotionally intelligent as heck!!!

He was just.... all the things.

Before I continue, I have to be honest and accountable to myself and my walk.

I did not steward this "relationship" well from a spiritual perspective.

That's important to know, and we will circle back to that fact later. ♥️

But anyhoo...

In a very short time, we were spending a lot of time together. I started to be romanced and intellectually engaged. Not to mention he seemed very appreciative of the time we were spending together.

This beautiful man always made sure to comment about how "crazy" it was that we were involved. He'd also would remind me often how he "waited fifteen years" for the moments we were spending together.

Now, yall. I've been through some stuff in life with men, ranging from my father - his alcoholism, his porn addictions, mental abuse, and his inability to be a safe space for me in anyway during my formative years.

The man literally used to tell me how he would "feel sorry for the man" I ended up with.

When my ex-husband and I were going through our initial separation, I told him about the change in my relationship status. My father's first response was, "Well. What did you do?"

🙄

Seriously, bruh.

After my divorce, my experiences with men were either they only cared about being with me physically and/or would use me as a spaceholder in their love lives until they ended up with the woman they actually wanted to be with.

Life has been rough.

I thought this guy was different. This man did more in the few months we spent together than my husband did in the time we were married. He felt like a safe space from the stance of investment, emotional awareness, and gave me a sense of value I had never felt before.

Then one day... He disappeared.

We went from "I'm taking you out to celebrate when I get back in town."

To letting me know he was back in town.

Then he stopped responding to any message or call from me just a few days later.

Did I mention it was the week before Christmas? lol (Great timing, right?)

I spent about a week or so conflicted.

I'm a recovering people pleaser and I was already battling with the attachment I was beginning to have for him.

I won't say I was "in love" with him.

After all, it was only about two months of being around each other.

I will say I was beginning to feel loved and was open to falling in love.

If you knew/know my story, you would also know this was a huge step forward in emotions, trust, and vulnerability.

After the New Year celebrations were over (me drinking sparkling apple cider at midnight with the kiddo and falling asleep before 12:10am), I realized a few more things I hadn't seen in the moment.

Not only had this man not responded to my messages.

I didn't even get a "Merry Christmas" text.

And let's be really, REALLY real here. People you don't even genuinely talk to (or like for that matter) will send a "Merry Christmas" text, just for common courtesy and holiday consideration.

I wasn't worth a freaking holiday text...

Sometimes you just need a sad Mariah Carey gif.

I was lost.

Confused.

And in a sad and similar situation.

There I was.

Here I am.

Again - in an inequitable, emotional bout.

Plus, let's remember, I'm on a sobriety journey.

For the first time in my life, since about the age of 15, I'm experiencing many of my emotions without a crutch.

So this means I had no man.

No explanation.

And no drink.

LIFE. WAS. NOT. GREAT. 😔

I sank in my emotions for about two weeks with no real outlet for my mental state.

I was tired of telling my friends about yet another failed attempt at a relationship.

It gets embarrassing after about ten years, yall.

But the other day, I woke up in tears.

I had a not so great dream about this particular guy hanging out with the previous guy who hurt my heart.

My subconcious has a beautiful way of adding salt to my anguished wounds.

Then I heard a voice in my spirit.

"You haven't sought me since you reconnected with him.

When are you going to come back?"

Sheesh... I knew that voice.

I thought back and realized when I first resumed contact with this man, I prayed hard on it.

I wanted to do the right thing, the right way, and prayed he was the right person.

I felt an approval in my heart in the beginning.

Then I saw in hindsight after I got the approval, I stopped seeking for guidance.

I was waking up every day excited for text messages.

I would go through the week looking forward to seeing him.

At one point, I saw him as a safe space for my feelings, emotions, and unpacking difficult parts of my life.

I was doing all the things in this psuedo-relationship that I should have been pouring into my relationship with God.

I exchanged the covering of my Father with being in the covers with this man.

(Being transparent, because I knew I was wrong then and I know I was wrong now.)

I'd put all of my eggs in one basket.

(Something we all know to never do.)

Even worse, I was taking my eggs out from the nest they should have stayed safely in.

I took what was a possible gift from God, and made it my god.

My day centered around that man and my evenings didn't end "right" if I didn't hear from him.

I tricked myself into thinking I was doing an okay job in my walk with him (and Him), because I sought God before I started allowing him to pursue me, and felt I was given a spiritual thumbs up.

I skewed my perspective because I flexed the Word of God to fit what I wanted, without giving more thought to if it was what He wanted for me.

Psalm 37:4 (NIV) says to "take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

• What's funny about this is I KNOW this scripture means when you allow and yield to God to MAKE YOU HAPPY, you will have the faith to know He will shape your heart to want and seek what He wants for you.

• It's also not a quid pro quo with God; that if you do something in His will He owes you something you want.

God owes us nothing.

He definitely owed me nothing.

Also, the Holy Spirit can only do what we allow it to do.

• Yes. It is a guide for those who are faithful to His voice.

• But, he does not force us to do anything.

The Holy Spirit imparts wisdom to our souls, and leaves us to make whatever decision we decide.

I decided in my head, "I deserve to be happy for once. This man makes me happy. Therefore this is going to workout. Because GOD KNOWS all the other stuff I've been through, and I'm sure He gets why I'm doing what I'm doing."

Yeah... I sincerely had myself thinking I would get a pass from God.

I thought I had been soooo good this year (well, last year) that I should still be rewarded in my sin, because even when I wasn't sinning life was hurting.

I was hurting.

And being with this man (until he disappeared) made me feel whole.

Even if I did do all the things God told me to do, doing good does not equate to getting what I want.

Looking back, most of the things I thought I wanted in life were things that were not good for me in the moment or in the long run.

Even if something was good for me, if I put it above God, would it really be "good"?

And look back with me on something I previously said.

That man made me feel "whole".

How was I allowing someone who didn't create me to complete me?

Why was I letting someone who didn't create the hole in my heart to fill it?

What was pushing me to this very perverted thought process in my spirit and actions?

Well... like I said, I was hurting.

I was hurting before I met him.

I was still hurting while I was with him.

And now I was hurting even MORE because he's gone.

That had me questioning everything about myself.

All of my dad's drunken words from my childhood began to flood my mind again.

"You're fat."

"You're ugly."

"I feel bad for any man who ends up with you."

"You're not even pretty enough to do porn. I hope you're smart."

(Yeah... He really said that.)

I cried in the mirror tearing my face apart imperfection by imperfection.

I started counting all the parts of my body that were dimpled or flawed.

I knew I was smart. But was I not smart enough?

I started destroying my self esteem and confidence daily for about three weeks straight.

I was crying almost all the time. My antidepressants were not working.

I contemplated drinking again, because the hurt was too raw.

I let the impact of his absence allow me to take for granted the people who were still around me.

Most of all, I was so distracted by what I could have done wrong and trying to calculate where I could have been better for this guy.

I was consuming myself with thoughts not of God, because I made decisions not of God.

I built my house (my confidence) on sand, and now I was wondering why the foundation wasn't supporting my house (my mental health).

• Matthew 7:24-27

And oh, how "great was its fall."

I also realized I was discrediting the work God put into creating me.

• Psalm 139:14 says I am "fearfully and wonderfully made."

  • Nothing anyone ever does to or around me will impact or change that Truth.

• Ephesians 2:10 tells me I am "God's masterpiece"

  • Who am I to spit on the work my Father created in me

Why was I allowing a situation, a TEMPORARY situation, the ability to influence my purpose and my position in eternity?

Honestly, I know why:

Because it's my comfort zone.

I've never been use to trusting God because I was always so invested in how people saw me.

I'm used to things not working out.

I'm used to being abandoned.

I'm used to being used.

But I had to shift my mentality.

Yes. Those experiences happened, but did they destroy my anointing?

No.

Yes. People let me down, but had God stopped covering me?

Absolutely not.

And even though I'm still in the headspace of "why did this happen," I know it had to happen for me to get realigned with God.

There has to come a time when we evaluate,

"Even if I could have kept what I wanted, if it was keeping me from sustaining my relationship with God - why do I want it back so badly?"

Why was I so comfortable having so much faith in someone who wasn't my true Source?

I didn't know the answer to that, besides the good ol "that's what I've always done."

But I did know I could change the direction of my deficit.

"God,

Let me be okay with losing him (and anyone),

if it means I get to have a stronger relationship with You."

(That prayer literally came to me while I'm writing this message.)

Y'all, I've been doing some thinking.

I'm realizing I'm in my Eden Era.

I'm surrounded by all of the things I need to thrive, grow, and mature.

I can't continue to let a snake talk me out of what God has for me.

Now, before y'all start with the foolishness...

The snake is not the man.

The snake is the deceptive thoughts in my head, allowing me to believe negative thoughts about myself and inaccurate perceptions of who God is.

Eden didn't eat the apple because she didn't have Adam with her to protect her.

She sinned because she a was in a situation where she allowed confusion to shape her reality.

I don't know if I'll ever have a man or not.

(Don't get me wrong. I still want one.)

But what I do know is:

• Matthew 6:33 tells me to "seek first the Kingdom of God."

  • This is in all things, in every step, not just in the beginning.

• Psalm 37:7 instructs me to "be still" and "wait patiently" for the Lord

  • It also says not to be distracted by people and their actions.

• 1 Samuel 12:23 says "the Lord will not forsake His people."

  • Even when something bad happens, it doesn't mean God left me.

My most important takeaway is knowing I cannot only "seek God" when I'm down and out.

I must remember Him on my mountain top moments as much as (if not more than) my valleys of despair.

I cannot wait on people to fill something only God can restore.

Only a creator can properly fix their creations.

If I am a masterpience (which I am - cue my hair flip) then I need to trust the Master.

If I truly believe "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away" I need to trust His why for me more than my "why me."