Parental Guidance

What do you do when you wake up and realize you're in the middle of a generational, spiritual battle?

Something you don't fully understand where it started, but you recognize needs to end with you?

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I'm 32 years old and I realized early in my life I was struggling with something not fully in my control; a few things actually. Alcoholism and sex.

Now that I've got your attention, before I get really deep into this message, I'd like to take a moment and submit a thought for your consideration:

There are somethings in this world that are happenings around us that are not of God. I hold fast to the belief that these things are not caused by Him directly, but were allowed by Him for His glory. We often ask ourselves, even the best of Christians may not want to speak aloud, in fear it will cause us to sound like we doubt God and His intentions... His purpose... for our lives. I'm not - by any means - saying I'm the best of Christians... I'm definitely not. I do feel I have a stronger faith because I accept somethings are beyond my understanding. (Proverbs 3: 5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.)

I definitely started drinking before my age was of double-digits. I was exposed to sex way before any child should have been. My father was an alcoholic my entire life and when I was younger, he let me drink rum from his favorite cup. I guess in my mind, being a daddy's girl, I thought this was his way of bonding with me. It was my job in elementary school, until he left our household, to have his beer poured, perfectly, as soon as the garage door opened. It was something I had to do perfectly and have done before he took his first steps into the hours. To this very day... I get nervous.. shook to my core... when I hear or think I hear a garage door opening.

I was taken with my father when he'd restock his alcohol. Some parents buy a bottle or two of wine or their preferred bottle of liquor. My dad bought handles of bacardi rum, by the case. That's 6 handles of rum.. per week. 

Something else my dad would take me to was this local movie rental place. Like I said, I'm thirty-two. So this was not your Redbox DVD shop. It was our small town's version of Blockbuster. Feel free to Google what Blockbuster and VHS movies are. I'm basically the dinosaur of Millenials. :) Anyways, I'd get to pick out two movies every week. My dad shopped there so often, he'd get free movies and those were his gifts to me. Because my dad was so awesome (yes, that's sarcasm) and didn't want to leave me unattended, he'd take me with him through this other door in the shop where he'd get his movies from. Every week, I'd be side-by-side with him as he selected his porn. This was a normal activity for us since I was in second grade until maybe 7th.

To my earliest memories until my dad left, my parents never slept in the same bed. In fact, my dad had an old twin mattress he'd stash in his den and lay out on the floor in the living room every evening. When it was time for me to go to bed, he'd tell me to stay in my room. This was one thing my parents seemed to agree with. My mom slept with her bedroom door locked, and she'd have me do the same. I'd always sneak out at night and get snacks from the frig. Every night I'd see my father knocked out on the floor. Naked, most-likely drunk, with the porn playing on the living room television with the volume down.  One time he caught me sneaking to the kitchen and instead of making me go back to my room, he insisted I just sleep on the couch facing the couch till i fell asleep. 

That was my life for as long as i could remember. 

Now my mom was an awesome mother (no sarcasm there... she did the best with what we had). She was Roman Catholic and raised me with the same beliefs. She loved my dad, and often told me how sorry she was; for having us stuck in our situation. As a Believer, with faith based predominantly in the Old Testament, my mother felt it was her obligation to stay with my father no matter how bad of a man he was. She told me "the Bible said" she couldn't leave him. In her defense, 1st Corinthians 7:13-14 does say, "if a believing woman has a husband who is not a believer, she cant leave him." The passage continues to say (1st Corinthians 7:16) that her faith and example could be what saves the husband. My mother married my father thinking her love could change him- which I highly recommend no individual ever do in life. As I grew in my own faith, I often wondered how she understood that scripture but not the one a chapter before it in 1st Corinthians 6:14-17 - which basically says no not be unevenly yoked all together. But... I digress.. I thank God for my mother. Even though my house was severely, unevenly yoked. If I hadn't experienced such a toxic childhood, I wouldn't have the wisdom and strong desires or discernment the way I do now.

Don't get me wrong. I still feel pretty lost lost now. But I know God.

Because of my father, I'm also very aware of how the devil works as well.

So let's review this. I had a mother who loved.. and still loves God. I also had a father (who, by the way, didn't believe God existed) who he lived life how he wanted.

I grew up with two norms that were never discussed. So I knew God. I knew alcohol. I knew sex. And none of them seemed to be of conflict with one another. Because I knew God I knew HAVING sex before marriage was bad. But I didn't understand watching it was bad. Being raised Catholic, we (my mother and I) participated in the Eucharist - which in that time was actually drinking sips of wine every Sunday. Everything in my life seemed normal.

Eventually, my dad left us. He waited 'til I was 17 so he wouldn't have to pay child support. Because he left us, my mother was finally freed of her spiritual obligation to stay married to him. My parents divorced, and I went to college - with a hell of a lot on my plate. Literally.

I knew God, but I didn't fully understand how to separate His Will from my reality. I struggled when left to my own devices. If I hadn't gotten into my own spiritual journey in my senior year of high school, I have no idea who I would be today. The juxtaposition was, I finally came into a community of believers and was then separated from them when I left for school. But I had just enough experience in navigating my own walk with Christ that I was equipped just enough for what I was going to embark.

Did I mention I'm 32? lol I'm a full-fledged adult now. Divorced. A single-parent, who is a rock star at co-parenting might I add. But looking back, I continued the cycle of unhealthy relationships and having a daughter of my own. Thank God I did not marry a man like my father. However, I did enter into our relationship with the ignorance my mother had when she entered into hers with my father. Don't get me wrong or confused.... My mother is phenomenal. She's the strongest woman, person, I know. When I say "ignorance," I am not speaking of her level of intelligence or her ability to act with common sense. Generationally (I think I made that word up, but just roll with it), and maybe even culturally, my mother was part of a long line of strong, intelligent women who loved openly while suffering silently. I learned how to tolerate being loved improperly, in the name of sacrifice. In the name of God.

This is not His intentions for our lives.

When we enter relationships, the best of intentions can still pave a road for destruction. I still marvel how out of over 30,000 scriptures in the Bible - my mother lived her life based on one. In my own experience, I've come to know God for myself. I chose not to inherit the God my mother saw. This may seem confusing and I pray anyone who reads this does so with an open heart. We have to know God for ourselves and let Him be who He is, individually to our circumstances - in our times of need, in our generation. Although God never changes, as He "is the same yesterday, today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8). Who we allow God to be across generations is up to us.My mother allowed God to be her strength. Where I need Him to be my liberator. I don't want to be stuck in relationships (of any sort) if they are not promoting His glory and my development.

Now that I am a parent, I learn everyday the importance of honesty and application.

If I'm not honest with myself, I won't know how to be honest with my daughter. Even worse... I have the ability to create a false reality of her world in comparison with God's will and His plan for her live. Three decades and some years later, and I find myself still fighting a battle. A life my father delighted in that my mother didn't even know it wasn't happening. My mom (who once again, is an awesome woman) was always so deep in her Bible that she was oblivious to her own household; thinking a locked door, with a praying spirit was enough.

But I'm glad about how much I was exposed to growing up. Obviously not because of the years of therapy I'll probably need. But seeing what I was born into with my own eyes as child helped me understand what I'm up against as an adult. There are so many people who are in the middle of spiritual battles, and have no idea where it came from or how it started. People who have no idea where their alcoholism came from because they never saw it. Individuals who have sexual strongholds that predate their existence. There are a lot of Christians who are equipped with weapons in a war they don't even know they are fighting. Even more... I know what giants I don't want to pass on to my daughter to fight. I can identify my enemy, our enemy, because he once was in my life as a friend.. a teacher... a parent.

I look at my life and I think of Genesis. I feel like there's a reason God TOLD ADAM which tree he can't eat from. When we read Genesis 2:16, we know God specifically told Adam which tree he could not touch or eat from. I think we get so caught up in wondering "why" there was a tree Adam was forbidden to eat from. But we miss the love in "how" he as told how to know which tree that was. God didn't say "there's a tree... somewhere in this garden, that you can't eat from. Good luck figuring out which one it is." Let's be really real here.

Adam was lucky. 

He only had ONE TREE and his ENTIRE EXISTENCE to avoid, and God made sure he KNEW which one it was. THAT'S PARENTAL GUIDANCE.  I just told you all about TWO TREES in my life that NEITHER of my parents warned me about. I was eating from a tree that was KILLING MY SPIRIT most of my life. By the time I realized what was going on around me, I was already TRAPPED IN THE SIN. 

Now once again... I don't blame my mother. I understand her position. How do you explain to a child that the man YOU CHOSE... is a bad person. How do you tell your child the real reason you make her lock her door at night because you're afraid the man YOU MARRIED might rape her... As a parent, I understand the decision to chose protection. However, as a child, my perception saw her silence is acceptance. 

I understand culturally... in some families,  "what happens in this house stays in this house."

But at some point we have to trade "what happens in this house" for "as for me and MY HOUSE..." (Joshua 24:15). There comes opportunities to have full disclosure in order to fully subscribe your family to God. If you knew you could help the next generation to better-fight their battles, wouldn't you want them to know how? Or if you could PREVENT them from having to fight it at all, wouldn't you do your best to slay the giant when he is in front of you?

I grew up with abnormal norms.. I thought a lot of things were okay that weren't.

I'm now the custodian of my family's legacy. As the matriarch of my own household, I'm charged with teaching my daughter not only how good GOD is but also the evil of the world we live in. Not to scare her, but to prepare her. As parents and Believers, we all have this delicate task.

When God chooses us to become stewards of His creations.. He's trusting us to not only use our lives as a testimony but also... to keep some of our tests in OUR generation. God didn't want us to be fruitful and multiply our MESSES. He wants each generation to be stronger than the last. We can't do that hiding from our giants.