Dying To Live

Definitely a Word you didn't know you needed....

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Disclaimer - If you are one of my beloved brothers or sisters in Christ who believes secular music should not be listened to by Christians, let alone be used to bring forth a message about God... You may want to stop scrolling now. But if you are in need of different perspective because you've tried the orthodox way and it isn't comforting anymore.. C'mon!

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Eminem produced a song called, "Runnin' (Dying to Live)" in the early 2000's. This song collab'ed Tupac and the Notorious B.I.G. onto one song. Which was crazy because, when they were both living, these two men contributed and inspired a "beef" that spread beyond the two of them - but positioned rap fans to divide themselves, East coast against West coast. It was almost like you couldn't like 'Pac and Biggie. You had to chose.

The chorus of the Eminem track goes like this,

"Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight.

Why am I trying to see, if there ain't nothin' in sight.

Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try.

Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die."

This song has always hit me on an emotional level. More recently, as I listen to the song again... The lyrics also lend themselves to spiritual contemplation. This song brings about questions our souls cry out for in need of answers.

I'm sure you all read the disclaimer, up top. Allow me to submit something else for your consideration. This is not a pessimist post, meant to ponder the "why's" of Christianity. But the reality of Christianity is there are a lot of "why's" that we ignore because it feels like (and maybe we have been conditioned to think) asking these questions means we are not walking in faith. But friends, I dare tell you - These questions mean you are walking in the footsteps of our Biblical ancestors. This post is postured to allow a safe space for yourself with God.

So let's dive in.

"Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight?"

I know.... You know... We hear it anytime we feel attacked. "The battle is not ours, but God's." (1st Samuel 17:47 and 2nd Chronicles 20:15). Even in this truth, there is still the reality, every... SINGLE... day. We fight. The battle is God's but we are on the front lines. We (our minds, our bodies, our souls) are at war with everything around us. Ephesians 6:12 also reminds us, "for we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." But guess what, even with that said - we are fighting more than the devil.

We are fighting many of them. We fight against our past. We argue with our future. We get confused in our present. Go through one round just to qualify for the other; getting worn out, get our butts handed to us, experiencing breakdowns... Just to go through it again. Sometimes even worse than the one before.

But why? Where should we see joy in fighting day in and day out... In an endless cycle of inner and outer war. I'll be honest. This is a question I'm still struggling with. (My apologies if you thought I had the answers.. I don't). I do have the perspective. Which appropriately is found in the context of the next chorus line.

"Why am I trying to see, when there ain't nothing in sight"

Not only are we fighting battles and going through storms in life, we are often doing blindly. Even as the Word of God is a "lamp to my feet;" have any of you actually held a lamp? We aren't talking about a flashlight. This isn't a source we can manipulate and redirect to see 20 feet in front of us. God gave us a lamp. Which means we can only move as far as He allows us to see, in that very moment. Our literal walk as Christians is represented in us "fighting to see, when there ain't NOTHING in sight." How frustrating is that?! I'll be honest, it's not convenient for any of us... at all, to know God designed us to not see what He sees.

It's not even comforting, in that perspective alone. But here's what is. Read that scripture from Ephesians again and see this - if God's Word is a lamp to our feet, maybe we can see more of our steps when we dedicate ourselves to read more of His word. Maybe, retroactively to this song, we will have a higher morale to our battles when we read as well. But I'll play advocate for a second. Let's say you are already ingrained in your Word. You read it in the morning. You praise your way through every second of your day. You come home and read some more. If your spiritual regiment was a work out plan, you are in tip top shape.

But you still go through those fights and you still can't "see" why you are going through. Even Job kept his feet closely and followed God's steps, and "kept to his way without turning aside" (Job 23:11). Even with all that dedication and service to God, Job was tested and experienced the most devastation than he "deserved." And that was with God's permission!!! This means, I can be the best servant and still experience the most loss!! And how do we get through that, when we "fighting to see when there ain't nothing in sight?"

And then You want me to... GIVE?!

"Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try.

(Someone please read this in Souljah Boi's voice....), "GIVE"?!?!?!

Time. Money. Energy. Love. Forgiveness.

All things we are expected to give, without hesitation, sincerely and authentically, to others as God directs us.... To people who do nothing for us. Giving used to be the easiest thing for me to do. I would give without question. If I had it, and heard you needed it, you got it. I would even give to people I'm pretty sure God didn't "tell" me to give to. But now there's regret and the lack of reciprocity that plagues my spirit when I am faced with giving now. When it comes to tithes and offering, that ten-percent and whatever random amount God puts on my heart, that part is easy. I love God. He always comes through.

But I honestly hate giving to people. People suck. (Yes, I said it... Pray for me later).

I've been abused, used, and recycled by so many people, I'm over it. Seriously, God. "Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try?" You expect me to be there for people who habitually take a leave of absence when I need support? You want me to put a smile on my face and hug the person who will take that same opportunity to stab me in the back. God... You really want me to give money to a person who will never pay me back? I'm a single mom! "Aint nobody got time for that!"

But its the expectation. A requirement. To be "Christ-like" (yup.. the simple definition of being a "Christian"), we have to do this. It's not easy. And nope, we don't get to walk around with receipts to prove we did it. Nor do we get to expect anything in return from people who (also being Christ-followers) should do the same for us without asking. We are supposed to BE THERE for people who don't care about us. Every day. No days off. Team "NO SLEEP."

All to lean on a Trinity we cannot physically feel. Trust me. If anyone gets how unfair this feels, it's me. I go months without a hug. There are times in my life when I've gone a year without anyone calling to check on me. I've been the invisible leaning on an invisible God.

If I can give you some source of comfort, which may or may not make sense today.

We cannot "feel" God but we are designed to be filled by Him. We have to make up our minds to understand what we signed up for. We truly get out of our lives what we put into God. Does it feel "fair"? Nope. But we didn't sign up for fair. We signed up for forgiveness.

Something we must "give" when no one earns it. Because that is how we earned ours.

"Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die"

This part of the chorus speaks to our walk with Christ as a whole, as we strive towards our purpose in Christ (or "stride" if you are part of Transformation Church - Hey, Pastor Todd!!) But re-read the words... Don't those words reflect the Christian who is drained; an individual doing all they can to avoid sin, be good to others, and walk by faith. A person who does not see the return on all they are investing into a God they cannot see and an eternity only written and talked about. I've been there. Sometimes I'm still there. It doesn't always "feel good" and most often it doesn't even feel worth it. "Why am I [even] trying?... at all"

We struggle daily, with all the situations above and those not beautifully spoken on this Eminem track. We are literally dying our flesh to live in our souls, just to die in this world to live in eternity. We walk in faith everyday, that everything we are doing, will equate to what we "Can Only Imagine." And the difficult part for me, in trying to encourage every single person reading this, is I don't know your individual situations and scenarios to explain to you why all of this is worth it from your perspective. There's large pieces of me that wonder if it is in my life.

Here's the positive and the challenge for those of us open enough to admit to ourselves, "this is where I am" - we aren't the first people to question if our walk is worth it.

All the evidence in scripture and the best of sermons from your favorite pastors will not make it easier and will not "snap" you out of it, either. But here's where we can start...

"Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight?" - Because the things we go through are bigger than us. Maybe we were chosen to endure because if it was given to someone else, they wouldn't make it. Think of all the times you may have thought about giving up.. Be it your goals, your education, your child, or your own life. And here you are, pursuing your dreams, as hard as it may be right now. Getting your degree, where you know others have dropped out. Raising your child, when other parents may have not had the opportunity to do so. Living, when others took a route that devastated and rocked the lives who needed and depended on them. Your fight is bigger than you. But your enemy is not stronger than you.

"Why am I trying to see, when there ain't nothing in sight?" Let's be honest... If you could see everything going on around you (professionally, personally, intimately, spiritually, whatever have you), would it really motivate you or would it scare the crap out of you? Just because you can see it, doesn't mean it would truly help you understand it. We'd be so distracted by seeing all of the details, we'd forget the mission. We'd be perplexed in our purpose (which is an excellent name for another post, by the way). There's a reason God's Word is a lamp to our feet. It gives us enough for each step. Maybe getting there safely step-by-step is better than trying to overdrive our headlights in faith.

"Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try?" Like I said, I still struggle with this one. What I do understand is we cannot hold on to something and still expect to have room for what God has for us. I look back on my life, things I have sewn into others and I haven't experienced a time after that, where God left me hanging. Have I had to wait longer than I would have liked to get what I (thought I) needed...? Yes. Has it ever come from resources I would have not chosen for myself....? Uh huh. But has it ever not been worth the wait...? No.

Everything we have is something God placed in our lives to be trusted with. With that, everyone in our lives is also someone God created. The same God who gave us Mother Teresa created Hitler (Also, another Word in itself). Knowing this, we don't always know who we have in our lives, but knowing we serve a God who created the sun, the moon, billions of stars, and all the people around us - is the same God who designed us with a plan and a purpose. We can't get selective on how He chooses us to serve. The goal is to care for everyone and worry about ourselves. How someone else chooses to give back to us is not for our concern. Nor should it be a distraction from our actual source.

"Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die?" The minute you give your life to Christ and you decide you are going to do your best to do right by God, eternity is promised. Thing is, we only get eternity after death. We aren't promised an easier life. To the contrary, we are promised trials, tribulations, persecution. And on top of that, we have to die in our own flesh. Daily.

We have to consistently and intentionally decide, EVERY DAY, to be better than we were the day before. To fight. To walk blindly. To give. We have to trust, daily, in circumstances beyond our control using strength beyond our bodies. Only we get to decide that this is worth it. We don't get to say that when the situation feels good. It's a regardless, unconditional commitment. It's a commitment we make to God, ourselves, and each other.

The song ends with Biggie giving feedback in an interview, about when he heard about Tupac's death. How he heard he was shot and wasn't surprised, "He's always getting shot or shot at." Big didn't "not care" when he heard about the incident, but he didn't react because it was a "norm" to him. How many times do we hear or see another brother/sister in Christ going through and not respond or react because it's "normal." Maybe not even that, but because we have so much going on in our own lives, we figure they will survive like we are surviving our battles. In each of our journeys we are walking beside and living life next to other individuals (both Christians, people of other faiths, and nonbelievers) who are asking themselves the same questions. And we have to love on them all the same.

Maybe I'm crazy... But this whole song speaks to my soul on another level than just being a compilation of two phenomenal rappers on the same beat. This might be the first time anyone has used Eminem, Tupac, and Biggie to bring forth a spiritual, Christian message.

But the verbiage of the chorus screams, "FAITH!!!!" It's brings about questions we're all afraid to ask aloud. Questions we are allowed to wonder. But also questions that do not give us permission to give up.

Keep fighting.

Keep trying.

Keep giving.

And please.... Keep living.