Being Esau

Most Christians know the story of Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25, starting at versus 19).

In this recount of the descendants of Abraham (they were two of his many grandchildren). Father Abraham had many sons. :) The children of Isaac are well-known for the displacement of Esau's birthright, given to his brother Jacob over a bowl of stew.

I've previously written about how misunderstood Jacob was. This reflection of Esau is much needed, considering most of us have been in his shoes.

Weary. Tired. Hungry....

All valid feelings, considering he'd just returned from a long day of hunting.

Which was something he'd done often, if not every day.

Esau was known to be Isaac's favorite, because of his ability and skill to be a great game hunter. He brought home meat to his family. Which did not just serve the purpose of putting food on the table, but provided measures to sacrifice to God.

On this day, the characteristic that made Esau Isaac’s favorite son was what caused him to give away the promise of that favor.

But what made today, that day, different?

This is a question we already answered, but should give more context to. He was weary, tired, and hungry. Something we all know too-well; especially when we are so caught up in a routine that we end up losing regard to the purpose in those actions. Esau became "weary in well-doing." This phrase isn't stated until later in the Bible (Galatians 6:9), but isn't it just like God to give us connections throughout His word, that retrofit into previous circumstances.

I remember when I was a child, and honestly up until a few months ago, I never gave this level of thought to the actions of Esau. I always thought about how dumb it was for him to give everything away over a meal.

Until I became Esau.

Now, I didn’t give away my birthright. I'm an only child. So based on the obvious process of elimination, I am the only natural choice for a birthright. However, it is funny that my alignment with this Bible story does actually involve stew. lol

It's been quite a while since I've written in this blog, so I owe y'all a fair amount of transparency, truth, and vulnerability.

Soooo.... here we go.

I'll summarize my life for anyone who is new. I'm a single parent and am divorced.

About two years ago I made the decision to become celibate. Although it was more of an easy choice out of circumstance, I also valued the decision as something I could also use to honor God. (Yes. This was backwards thinking, but hey.... judge ya mammy).

In the beginning of what would have been my second year of celibacy, life hit... And it smacked the crap outta me.

My grandmother passed. My daughter's father was in ICU for over five months, and at times seemed to be at end of life. A few months after he started to recover, I found myself as my mother's primary caregiver. She was diagnosed with advanced dementia. This was also in the midst of a global pandemic, and not being in a role to work from home. At the time I was also trying to pursue a doctorate (we'll talk about that in another post). But I was tired, fam.

Very, very tired.

I started making not so great decisions, in efforts to feel better about my circumstances. I was drinking more. Becoming very emotional, and bankrupting myself spiritually.

In the midst of all of this, I was praying... a lot! And God was coming through, y'all. I even won a random amount of money from a Cardi B giveaway. (Thanks, girl!!!)

But even though my finances weren't really an issue. My relationships were lacking. Mind you... I just said "global pandemic." So I couldn’t really be "upset" that people weren't checking on me. I wasn't even sad because of any one person in general. But I was alone in a very intense situation. I found myself making a friend, who was truly a friend in my need of companionship and partnership.

But...

I over-invested myself in what should have just been a friendship. I found myself trading commitments I made to myself and God for something that felt good in the moment(s). I was actually worse than Esau. He traded his birthright for one bowl of stew.

And... well... I had a lot of stew.

Fam, I wish I was just using an analogy but he really did make me stew.

It was delicious.

And no, it wasn't something I could just make myself.

It was a recipe from his heritage, and as Black as I am, I'm not directly from any country in Africa that would prepare me to make such a delicacy.

So yeah, that wasn't a euphemism earlier...

There really was a lot of stew. (Literally and metaphorically. lol)

I look back today. I can relate to the “why” (for both myself and Jacob's brother). I was pouring into a lot of people. At work. At home. At school. My daughter. Her dad (making sure he was good in the hospital). My mother and our family in Detroit. I had a lot of people I felt the need to come through for, daily.

Where Esau provided game, I was providing peace.... to a lot of people. Except myself.

I thought Esau was dramatic. He gave away his birthright telling his brother, "Look, I am about to die [if I do not eat soon]; so of what use is this birthright to me?"

Truth was he was just hungry.

And I was exhausted.

At some point in my new friendship, I looked at all of things on my plate. The things that fed others and where I felt I was starving myself. I was sitting there, stressed out, and being every thing to everybody. I looked at my celibacy and for some strange reason thought to myself, "I'm never getting married again. Who am I saving this for?"

I made a decision. I made a trade.

But anyways, take a second and put yourself in my shoes. Imagine the conviction I had reading over Jacob and Esau, realizing I was Esau. Because I was hungry for partnership. I decided to feed my flesh instead of my spirit. The sad part is, at least Esau felt he was in a "need" to make a decision involving his birthright.

I simply volunteered.

I asked God for “help“ and skipped over the friends I truly had and decided to find solace in the place where I should have created a boundary.

Because I was weary.

I was tired.

I was hungry.

I tell you this story friends because even if your story isn't broken celibacy, I’m sure if you pray for God to search your heart and your spirit, there are some places where you've made trades and choices in place of simply seeking God.

Where are those places and what will you do with them, once they are revealed to you?

With me, I had to cut ties. Reset my relationship and dedication to God and my purpose.

And yes, I restarted my celibacy.

The same energy we take to make wrong decisions, can be used to restart your path to righteousness.

You are not your sin, anymore than Esau's blessings stopped flowing at that bowl of stew.

Easu went on to have an inheritance. It wasn't as much as he would have gotten in his true birthrite. But his father Isaac still left him with plenty.

I look at where I am now, and realize even after my poor trading, I see where God has still left me with more than I needed.

I might never know what I traded in those moment, where I'm sure God had blessings I couldn't even imagine for me had I stayed faithful to Him.

But because He is faithful to me, I still have more than enough.

No more stew though. We're on a diet. :)