A Lonely Purpose

When the Bible says "we're better together," but for some reason... God wants you alone.

Before you get started... This might not apply to everyone. I'm writing from person experience (as with most of my blogs). What God is saying to me might not be what He is saying to you... But the overall perspective is probably still applicable. Open you heart. :)

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I used to think I was an introvert. I mean.. I exhibit all the classic signs. I have anxiety every time I even think about group gatherings. I feel completely drained after meeting with more than three people. I freak out when my phone rings... (Seriously, just text me).

And most importantly, I love my "me" time.

Simultaneously, even though I don't really "like" being around people, I'm a giver. If you mention needing it, I got you. If you talk about someone letting you down, I throw on my cape and save the day. If someone I'm "close" to breaks a nail, I'll cash app the money for a full-set. I like being there for people.

With that being said, I find myself upset at the positions I put myself in. I get taken for granted a lot. Like... it's toxic. I give so much to people I know (through historical data) have not and will not do for me in return. It's a crazy juxtaposition when you think about it. An introvert who loves to give to people, and just happens to never have any around her.

Yes... juxtaposition. :) It's my favorite word... Look it up.

I often find myself upset with God. "Where are my people." - The people who are like me. The givers, without haven-to-be-asked-ers. It feels like I've spent my entire life waiting for the reciprocation of relationships that I've given away without a return of investment. I begged. Pleaded. Cried my eyes out on my knees for God to bless me with friends. Real friends.

Then I found myself reading about Paul.... and that thorn in his flesh. (2nd Corinthians 12)

He "plead three times" with God to take it away, to be answered with a "no."

I feel like God had/has been telling me, "no." "No. You aren't going to have those relationships." Even better.... "No. You don't get to stop being giving, either."

I realized when I had "friends," God was not my priority. After all, to the contrary, I'm not an introvert. But I make horrible investment decisions. In hindsight, I feel like God's purpose for me is something I would mess up if He allowed me to have too many people in my life. People I could depend on. People who actually show up. Individuals who give when I don't even ask. The times God has really come through for me, and brought me to another level, was after I thought a person would.

Paul's thorn was sent "to torment" him (2nd Corinthians 12:7). If y'all only knew how tormented I feel in my loneliness.

Before everybody starts in at me about "community," I already know. And believe it or not I'm actually very active in "community." Where the Bible discusses "community," it mentions forgiving those who have hurt us (Colossians 3:13). We're instructed to "carry each other's burdens" (Galatians 6:2). Most obviously, the Bible tells us to "fellowship with one another." (1st John 1:17). There are many things the Bible gives us in direction to how we are to participate in community.

What it doesn't say is this: "People will apologize for hurting you." Or, "Someone is going to come ask if you need help carrying your burdens." Honestly, and message me if I'm wrong, I still haven't come across where it says "People are going to solicit to be in your presence." The Bible says none of that. It tells us what we are to do, not what we can expect. We are to be friends, not to expect a line of people waiting to be ours.

2nd Corinthians 12:9 tells us God's “grace is sufficient" for Paul. Now, I'm not Paul. But I do believe the same applies for me, as it did him. Where Paul wanted God to take something out, I wanted Him to put something in.

I've come to expect a life and relationship superior to what Jesus had, and I have done the least amount of things to be done in the name of Christ.

Seriously, I was looking for awesome friendships.... Genuine relationships... Deep connections.

Jesus had a squad of people who doubted Him, denied Him, and set Him up for death.

All helping him to achieve His purpose.

Maybe the people who don't show up, and aren't there for me, are helping me achieve mine. It forces me to lean on God for results, and give Him all the glory when it works out.

What are you praying for God to give you or take away? If you dive deeper into your wants, you'll probably find it will be resolved in making Him your need.